Teenager and communication difficulties are almost synonymous terms.. Difficult, transitional, crisis age is all about adolescence, when a child at the age of 12-16 falls into an absolutely uncertain state, because childhood has already ended, as it were, but the real adult life has not yet begun.
More recently, a tender, understanding and obedient child turns into a sharp and aggressive teenager who ignores the requests of parents and demonstratively does everything as he sees fit. What is happening with the child and how to help him go through this important phase of life?
When a child turns 12-14 years old, it’s hard not to notice that during this period hebegins to grow actively. So, some children grow by 3-7 cm in a year, which is quite a difficult test for the whole organism.The tubular bones grow most of all, the chest, arms and legs are formed, the teenager becomes disproportionate, coordination of movements can be disturbed.
In addition to the growth of the skeleton itself, they rearrange their work andinternal organs: the activity of the pituitary gland changes, the growth rate of the muscular system increases, the metabolism accelerates. Also, the genital and thyroid glands start to work more actively, the heart grows, the volume of the lungs increases.
Maximumsex hormones are active, thanks to which adolescents have secondary sexual characteristics: the girls' breasts increase, menstruation appears, the boys mutate the voice, a Kadik grows, hair on the face and body grows, and wet dreams occur. Hormones provokefirst sexual desires- completely new sensations for the child, as well as difficulties with self-control and adequacy of perception of their actions.
As a result of all these cardinal physiological changes, a teenager may experiencehealth problems. Frequent headaches, insomnia, fatigue, difficulty with appetite, unstable blood pressure,reduced attentiveness and lack of concentration - this is just a general list of possible complaints that parents should pay attention to.
Psychologist Natalya Karabuta tells: “In terms of the number of hormonal and physiological changes, adolescence can be compared, do not be surprised, with pregnancy. The body of the child changes as dramatically as the body of a woman who is preparing to become a mother, only during pregnancy this process is more compressed in time. You must agree that such physiological changes cannot happen without a trace for the child’s psyche, because everything is interconnected. The growth of the heart, lungs and blood vessels occurs in jerks, and the result is insufficient saturation of the child’s brain with oxygen. What does this lead to? The attention decreases, there are difficulties with work on several objects, for example, to successfully solve the problem and in parallel to chat with a neighbor on the desk becomes much more problematic. The child feels tired, does not want to go to school, study, make any efforts to obtain new knowledge.During such a period, parents need to understand the condition of the child, maintain his health and try to alleviate the symptoms as much as possible. ”
Read also: Adolescent Hygiene: Personal Care
Of course, all the physiological changes we have outlined above clearly influence the psychological state of the adolescent. Before a child there is a lotnew challenges and difficultiesthat he has to face, he tries to start living and communicate in a new way, like an adult, but not always successfully.
because ofexternal body changesto which child elseneed to get used tohe may haveambivalence: confusion of feelings of pride and disgust, shame and joy, rejection and admiration. Teenagers can either become too slovenly, protesting against their new body, or, conversely, give themselves much more attention, fiercely examining every new pimple in the mirror.
Also during this period a teenager is observedreduced self-esteem. He begins to increasingly compare himself with other boys and girls,often paying attention to theirweak sides, feels insecure in their own abilities. Teen behaviorin the company of peerscontradictory:
Also in adolescence the child often occursproblems at school: due to a decrease in the level of attention and concentration, performance deteriorates, besides, the teenager is alreadyrequires a certain autonomy and independencetherefore, in response to the teacher’s remarks, he responds harshly, defiantly and cynically. In adolescence, the child doubts everything, does not trust the experience of others, he must personally verify that the hypotheses are true, the authority of the teacher means nothing to him.
Our mom-forummanka Manana tells:“Daughters are 15 years old, and now the lessons for her are nothing. She used to study well, but now she says to all my moral studies about the school: “Mom, why do I need this? Nobody gets good grades in our class,it is not fashionable! Nobody communicates with the lessons! ”And what is there to answer? How to motivate? I begin to talk about entering a university, ZNO, and so on ... Sniffs, such as stupidity ... Recently, I found an article on the Internet that a new trend had started, where nerds are sexy, that smart people are again in the trend. Printed out to her, brought to read. I don’t know how to motivate anymore ... When will this trend reach us? ”
School andlearning is not in the first placein a teenager, interest in other people,relationship with friends and the opposite sexoverpowers the importance and need for new knowledge. A teenager is dominated by various emotional experiences, acutely perceived criticism of friends, a break with a loved one, a remark made in passing by parents or a teacher can be a tragedy.
In spite of the importance of the aspect of communication, in the dialogues of a teenager with friends, and especially of the opposite sex, there may be observed swagger and deliberate rudeness. In addition to the fact that this is considered “cool” among adolescents, because cultural behavior, in their opinion, is a lot of wimps, this reaction can also be explained by the emotional confusion of a child.He is stilldoesn't know how to communicate properly, and only learns to build relationships. To help a teenager in mastering this important skill should parents.
Psychologist Natalya Karabuta tells: “If a teenager comes to his parents for advice, it is very important to take such a conversation seriously, do not dismiss, engaging in important adult affairs. Of course, it’s much easier to say “yes, I’m at your age” “you’re too young to think about that,” but such an approach will in no way solve the child’s problem. And if the parents do not want to help him, he will go for understanding and acceptance to his friends, and you will not be able to control how and what they will have there. Yes, a child can move out in school, but parents should accept the fact that in adolescence they go to school more often than not to get knowledge, but for the sake of communication with their peers. And if a child addressed you with problems like “if a friend turned out to be suddenly” or “but he does not love me,” you should not be shocked and send him to learn algebra or do homework in English. Sit down, have a heart-to-heart talk with the child, give some practical advice, tell a similar case from your life, because each of us had something similar.Do not treat a teenager as a non-sane child. Imagine that your friend came to consult you. Will you listen to him? In adolescence, it is very important for a parent to remain a person with whom the child can talk, who will understand, help and not judge, especially if the child has serious problems, such as an unplanned pregnancy or problems with the law. ”
Read also: How to overcome a crisis in relations with a teenager
Of course, harshness, aggression, cynicism, rudeness and other negative reactions in a child’s behavior often causeparental response: screams, notations, blackmail and various restrictions apply.
Oddly enough, the transitional age ischeck and for parents. Right now they just needrebuild your relationship with your childby switching from an authoritarian-pointing communication style (“everything will be as I said!”) to a democratic, friendly, understanding.
Importantaccept changeoccurring in the child, weaken the internal parental control, stop tracking every step, understand that the child is growing up and this is an absolutely natural process.
Definitely talk abouttotal absence of prohibitions not worthestablished principles and certainstandards of conduct are necessary for a teen. However, parents should instill them not by completely rejecting the child’s desires, but by demonstratingmy feelingsand expressingyour attitudeto the company of a teenager or his actions.
You do not like friends with whom the child spends time? With the help of "I-statements" you can express your attitude towards them, trytalk to a teenagerso that he understood exactly what was bothering you and listened. The main thing is to make your arguments weighty enough, just "they are all unkempt and unwashed, in headdresses, constantly smoking and laughing" will not work. You should not unreasonably blame either the friends of the teenager or him. It is better to form sentences using the phrases “I think that ...”, “it seems to me that ...”, “I worry that you ...”, “I would like you to ...”, “I would be calmer if ...” and etc.
If you approach the issue from the positionprohibitions(“You will communicate with them only through my dead body!”), It is unlikely that it will be possible to reach a consensus with a teenager. Most often, in response to the parental pressure position, the child closes andgoes into itselfordoes spite, even if perfectly aware of the consequences of their behavior.
Our mother-forumwoman Koti tells: “When I talk with my teenager son, it seems to me that I returned 13-15 years ago and try to persuade a one-year-old or three-year-old toddler to eat or leave the site without traditional hysteria. Now - a similar situation, just the little pony has grown up, but for now, the style of communication with him has to be maintained almost exactly the same. The task - to build a conversation so as not to break. The reaction of a son to a cry is a complete ignore, like 13 years ago. And it doesn’t suit me as much as I need to get to his understanding. Patience is our all. It's good that my husband and I are two - when one loses his temper, the other enters and vice versa. While holding on ... "
Often parents require adult behavior from a teenager, but they themselves behave in relation to him as a child, controlling his desires and taking extra care. Parents simply need to take the initiative, to understand that the child has already grown out of children's pants and to help him survive the difficult adolescence as easily as possible, while maintaining emotional intimacy.
Pledge ofthat a teenager from a hairless negativist will turn into a moral, serious and independent personality with a strong character and adequate self-esteem - loving and understanding parents, with whom it will be much more comfortable for a child to go through the difficult path of teenage changes.